Just a warning: This story is eventually going to contain swearing, violence, sexual & drug related references. This story is rated R for a reason and is not for the squeamish. Oh, and 16+ please.
EDITED VERSION
Absolution
Prologue: Stairway to Salvation
The faint drip of liquid hitting the floor was the only noise heard, and the thin streams of moonlight made visible the outline of a boy. His head was down, staring straight and the messy curled dark hair hung loosely in his face, obscuring his vision slightly.
He stared at his hands. He watched the red liquid fall from his fingertips. 'There is so much blood in humans.' he thought to himself, feeling no remorse for his actions.
Languidly he turned his head; dark eyes surveyed the cooling corpses of his now deceased mother and stepfather.
"You shouldn't have pushed me so far," Slowly, Daniel walked around the corpses, his tone somewhat mocking as he continued. "You both know how bad my temper is. But, no, you had to keep going. It's your own fault you know, not mine, but all yours."
Viciously, he swung back his leg, and in one swift motion brutally kicks the head of his stepfather, shattering the skull and sending fragments of bone, blood and brains across the room.
"I hope you're happy now, asshole. You deserve to be this way." Venom in his tone, Daniel quickly crossed the room, slamming the door shut and walking away from the horrific scene behind him. Only, to come to an ironic end outside of the building.
Running now across the empty, lamp-lit streets Daniel never heard the gunfire, nor did he hear the squealing tires.
All he heard was his own dying breaths, and a bright light shining in his eyes as his last breath escaped from his lungs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Here I am
Wonderful titles.
I think this is a fantastic way to start.
A better way to phrase would be, "His head was lowered, staring down at the floor. The messy, curled dark hair hung loosely in his face, obscuring his vision slightly." But that's just my opinion.
There's a tense mistake here, you're writing in the past and you wrote, "kicks". It should be, "kicked."
A suitably dramatic, effective ending.
______________________________
Wow, Ella. I think it would be safe to say this is an outstanding piece of work. Your writing style is certainly very refreshing. Yes, it was indeed dark, but that's my favourite genre anyway. I'm very, very intrigued to see how this story folds out.
Hope I was of help.
Sarah
Well well well. It seems Ms Ella J. Has one of them dark sides. I'm not going to lie to you, this piece is really...disturbing? But good? Do you know what I mean? Like i wanted to cringe away from my computer, but couldnt because your writing is tooo damn good.
I'm going to nit pick a bit. There were some sentence structure mistakes that I picked up on.
~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after slowly...just because we are dramatic like that.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dun Dun DUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Okay, immature moment there. haha Awesome quote!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after the marvolous word, Viciously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is he gettting chased by the cops? is that the ironic end????Gah that kind of confused me. Maybe clear that up in the next chapter????
That's all i have to say really. Good prolouge...nice details...LOVED IT!!! You hinted that his parents were to blame..but didnt exactly say what they did straight out..NICE!! haha I can't say those words enough. Good job here. Can't wait to see more.